A Pause For Thought About How I Feel Right Now
December 2, 2007 by iamthelostgirl
I am feeling very suffocated and frustrated right now, as the title of my blog suggests I feel I have lost my voice. But I am feeling a little inspired by the kind words of a commenter named Kelly and by some vloggers that I found on YouTube… and I now want to say what’s on my mind…
I looked back through my old posts and I haven’t written anything particularly personal in a while and I got to thinking about why that might be. I am not the type of person to go screaming about my problems willy-nilly (which is why blogging is such a novelty to me). Even with people that I have known for years or fairly close family members, I don’t always reach out to them when they offer the chance to. I know that I can probably trust these people and vent some of what is going on in my head, but I am a little scared to.
How dumb is that.
I am scared of being honest and I am keeping my stresses in… I am doing so because I am scared that history will repeat itself if I do. You see, there have been times in the past where I have opened up and gotten close to people and they have either thrown it back in my face, used it to hurt me, or given up all together and thrown me away like a piece of garbage. This pattern has been cropping up recently at home and at work, where I trusted someone cos I needed to trust them, and they USED it against me (BITCHES).
I am caught in a weird little place where the stress of being stressed is making me stressed (if you know what I mean!).
I am so stressed at work that I have lost count of the number of stress related sick days I have had to take off! I have been bottling up my hurt and frustration to the point where I started getting nervous ticks, heart palpitations, and then almost blacking out at work (all more than once!). I am terrified of saying what is really bugging me… but fuck it!
I am scared of being belittled in front of my team at work, rather than supported like I should be.
I am scared of waking up tomorrow and not being amazing at my job. It hasn’t been made official but essentially I have been told, to shape up by January or there’s REAL trouble (meaning I guess they’ll fire me and I’ll be totally fucked).
I am so alone and so sad. I have nowhere to turn, and I am struggling to hold back the tears while I write this.
I’ll keep blogging for now but if I stop blogging suddenly in the next few weeks, it’s because I have bigger fish to fry (meaning because I’ll have lost my job and had to pack up my shit and move back in with my parents/ I’ll be ruined financially etc etc).
I’m not particularly religious but it would mean a LOT to know that even one person has prayed for me. Prey for me, and wish good things for me **please** xxx
TheLostGirl
UPDATE 14 DEC 07 My Feelings on Blogging & Moving Forward
Hi LG, can i call you LG? well deal with it ;p
“I am scared of being honest and I am keeping my stresses in…”
I relate very closely to this, i keep a lot inside as well, and very little of the dreary ever comes out. When it does it rises like a volcano. Dont take this metaphor to heart, this is not good in any means. The end is usually despair and suffering. terrible words, but trully where it goes when the identity of stress takes hold of your emotions and fills you with negativity on a constant basis. I fight for positivity every chance i can. That you should take to heart i believe ;-). maybe not fight. but be strong in the act of thinking positive, be strong for betterment inside.
“I am so stressed at work that I have lost count of the number of stress related sick days I have had to take off! ”
i work at a repair shop, i do a lot of labourous work, repairing agricultural machines on a common basis to all sorts of odds and ends. there are even times where fun! projects come into our shop like a hotrod that needs some tinkering here and there. really beautiful in a lot of ways. This is something i try to remind myself, anytime i can. In the times of stress its hard. terribly hard i am a compulsive person at times, mainly noticable when i begin to get frustrated, angry or upset over trivial issues, i extrapolate, and dig into my huge reseviour of so called bad things in my life and create that metaphoric volcano.
Ironically fun physical activities(ie biking for myself, any time of the year even in blizzarding weather) are the heart of my release and relaxation. its as much mental as it is physical during those activities.
anywho, to that quote i had up there:
“I am so stressed at work that I have lost count of the number of stress related sick days I have had to take off! ”
There are many days on my time card, where i simply DID NOT SHOW UP.
now what the hell, i should be fired after 20 absences since march right? well lucky i am employeed by the greatest boss in the world, my father.
These days i took off were Definitely related to stress, to lonelyness and depression. Utimately i know that everything is simply in my head. that said, in the last couple of weeks ive been making strong efforts to make myself goto work on time all the time. Its not only pinically important to my being that i attend work constantly, it is important to the group i work with, to the team effort that is exercised every day of the 5week day cycle. its immensely important to my self esteem that i do this otherwise i create the fears even as subtle as they are, of my peers and coworkers belittling my being due to my absences and carefree(carelessness) attitude towards my employement and life. its going to be a struggle for me i know it. but as long as i dont give up in the moments of weakness i will always have another foothold to stand from and leap to the next handle of the mountain journey (wow lots of metaphors, hope this isnt getting sore on the brain… my fingers are getting re-accustomed to this keyboard device lol)
I am so alone and so sad. I have nowhere to turn and I am struggling to hold back the tears while I write this.
A great quote from a great book by a great man goes like this:
As the main character of the story is dead. he says
“Then my death was a waste, just like my life.”
“no life is a waste.” the Blue Man said.
“The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.”
I want you to know TheLostGirl, You’re never alone, not for one day, not for one week. somewhere someone has thought about you positively, and there is no sense in feeling at all wasted or alone. Your time is precious to the last breath. otherwise you would not be the being that is in torment that i read from this one little post infront of me.
Take great care of yourself and your body. Think only what is nessesary for your positive growth. Cherrish everything even the bad, for there is always silver linings of goodness in a thunder cloud.
RumblingRoaringEchoing BANG!
One of a kind.
Cheers
I enjoyed this
Hi mage111
That was the type of response I was hoping I would get, it means the world to know that even one person read my post, understood how I felt, and even cared enough to spend their time writing a kind word in response. I read every word and genuinely took comfort…Thank you. Really, I thank you sincerely.
LG x
HI, I just wanted to let you know that I stopped by and read your words! and I pray that your stress dimishes to a comforting level for you…
Hello Vanessa
Bless you, you sweet girl
I really meant every single word that was written up there and it is probably the most honest I have ever been about anything, ever! I thank you for taking the time to write such a nice message to me.
All the Best
TheLostGirl
Hey, i just dropped by ur website and I’m goin through a frustrating time of it at the moment and am really confused about anything and everything, and nothing seems to be going right, but reading some of your other posts you seem to be moving on steadily and getting through it and u have inspired me to make the effort to do the same. I’m going to try keeping a diary of my thoughts and see how it goes from day to day and I just want to say thankyou for givin me hope on moving forward at such a confusing time
Thankyou
Sarah xx
Sarah - welcome and thank you for writing that comment.
WOW… your words just blew me away. I sat for a bit and had a think about how I can respond to such an amazing, touching comment - and I’m still lost for words, really!
Thank you again for stopping by and for reading my personal posts, in particular. They don’t get read as much as my celeb stuff, but they do have a very special audience. I know how it feels to be alone and confused. Scared, feeling like you have no one to turn to.
As you mentioned, there was a point in my life, the worst point - when I wrote this post, and things were on a very rapid downward spiral. You correctly noticed that by the skin of my teeth, I was able to pull myself out of that situation, as I was making deliberate efforts in various areas of my life to move forward in a positive way.
I was able to leave the negative people and environment behind and I am now doing a lot better all round. But it took sustained hard work and it was a deliberate effort. You seem to be aware of your situation and talking about it - even briefly - is a great first step in moving on.
I am so honoured that you say I have given you the push needed to make your life better. The aim of this blog was to keep a diary of all my thoughts and interest, irrespective of what they were, or what people thought. The upside of that is that I have met many like minded people and spoken to people, like your good self, about shared experiences and feelings.
I would highly recommend that you do just that. Writing on a regular basis, even when it wasn’t about anything personal, really helped me, as it made me feel I had a voice online - where I never felt heard in real life. Starting a diary or blog will not only allow you to let out what you have been keeping in, but you will, like I, be able to chart your progress and see how well you are doing.
If you do ever start a blog, please let me know. I would happily drop by with a listening ear.
Take care of yourself and you will be ok…
TheLostGirl